Small Town Problems

There are two types of people in the world, the city people and the town people. My beliefs are once a towner always a towner. I could say I was meant to be a towner, as I grew up in a very tiny town, way too tiny for my liking.  But, I was always a city girl, even before I knew what a city girl was. I started drinking coffee at 15, and had my morning latte runs before it was a fad. I had no patience for small talks, and nice customer service. My sister, on the other hand has always been a tiny town girl. She loves waking up to the sound of birds chirping in the morning. Where I ,on the other hand, hate the sound of birds. When I first visited tiny town (after years of living in a big city) I thought I was being followed and whistled at by a stalker, until I realized it was an actual bird that sounded like a stalker whistling. (Not that stalkers have a particular way of whistling, but in my mind all stalkers whistle).

There are huge differences between small town people and big city people. On my walk this morning I saw a man actually MOPPING his drive way. I looked at him with my mouth open wide, and he just waved a hello to me. As if mopping his drive way was the most natural thing to do. When I mention this to my sister shes just says so? How about when I take my niece out for a walk around the block. Everyone waves hi to her and knows her name! This makes it impossible for me to be able to tell if they are child molesters, or in fact really nice people. Another thing I mention to my sister whom just looks at me in disgust. And going to buy something, is an absolute nightmare in a small town. The worst is when you’re in a hurry to get somewhere, and you wait in line to pay for your groceries (in my case clothes) there is always a cashier talking to the customer (neighbor) and asking her about Johns’ kid or Leslies’ second pregnancy. How is it that everyone knows everyone! Or is it just my luck? My god can we not just hurry it up SVP! If I am with my sister and I complain about this, she just rolls her eyes at me and calls me a bitch under her breath. Yes I heard that. Finally the other day I was in a hurry to get to the grocery store (mall) and wanted to grab some tomatoes (blouse) before it closed. And right before were about to leave the house, my sisters neighbor comes by to just say “hello”. The hello turns into an entire one hour conversation about how the new neighbor has yet to cut her grass! Because her grass looks about 4 inches instead of the standard 3.5 inches. As per How To Be A Good Neighbors Law Manuel that deems any grass above 3.5 inches must be cut or else! The else being the subject of neighborly gossip.

Can you believe it?” says my sister with annoyance. “ She just moved in a couple of days ago and already she’s causing so much ruckus!”

Yes indeed, so much!” I say this with the utmost amount of sarcasm that my sister doesn’t even notice.

Happily Never After

Have you ever watched Disney and realized that in order to find prince charming you must have at least one dead parent? The more handsome the prince, the more tragic your life story must be. And I am not talking about just one princess and her dead parents/parent. But most of them! I mean, think about it: Arielle, Belle, Cinderella, Jasmine, Elsa and Ana. Even Bambi! Though I must admit I never watched/nor read his tale but I am sure he also ends up happily after because his mother is dead? Maybe marrying a deer prince or a prince deer of the forest. Although Rapunzel did have both of her parents, but she was tragically given up for a salad. I mean do I have to tragically kill off one of my parents for that happily every after? I hope not as I do love them both dearly, and they have made good impacts on my life. My mom, anyways, my day thats a different story. But really I am just trying to think can we not find happy endings without having tragic stories. Can’t we come from happy families and marry our prince charming whom also has a good family? Does this mean my chances are slim to none in finding prince charming? (In the Disney edition of my life,anyways).

Back to Layla

The night that Layla called me to tell me about losing her virginity was a scary night. The reason I say scary, is because I got a call from her at exactly 3:20 AM asking to see if I wanted to go to our favorite diner for brunch. She had just come back from a two week vacation, that I was unable to go to because of work. I wasn’t sure if I detected a panicked voice or a hysterical one. All I know is that she said it was an emergency and we had to meet. I couldn’t say no to her, even though I had to be up for work in four hours. Wanting to be a good friend I told her I’d be there. That, and because I thought something bad had happened on vacation. However, to do brunch for something going wrong sounded odd. If something was indeed wrong wouldn’t you do coffee or a walk in a cemetery?

I had a million and one things going through my mind as I drove to the diner.  Did someone die? Did someone die and did someone die!? Okay, maybe not a million and one things, but only that someone had died for sure. Another very important question I wanted to ask her was how in the name of God did her mother allow her out after 10 pm?

When I arrive, I see a different Layla then I had been imagining. I had expected tears, all black clothes, a broken arm, Layla in a wheel chair, a missing arm maybe. ( My imaginations run pretty wild sometimes). Except I see none of that. IF anything she’s glowing, and has this huge smile on her face.Oh god, I think to myself, is she on drugs?

Hey Lils! Wtf is everything ok!?” I say this as soon as I sit down. I hadn’t bothered changing. I was still wearing my Pajama bottoms paired with a white tank top and flip flops. My best friend, on the other hand was dressed to the nines. I had never ever seen her dressed up like this. Her hair for once was straightened, she actually had makeup on and wore heels. I was shocked that she looked this good, to be honest.

I am in love, utterly completely, hopelessly, amazingly, and all the corny stuff kind of love.”

She then went on to explain how her mother had wanted to set her up with this guy since they had known him his entire life. However her parents were against it when they found out he was a player, and not good enough for Layla. She always saw him at weddings, and family gatherings. How her stomach always fluttered when he said hi to her, or looked her way. Now after spending two glorious (her words) weeks together, she was madly in love. When I say they spent two weeks together I don’t mean as she went on vacation with him alone. The trip they had taken was with her own cousins, and they had invited him along as he was close to one of her cousins. This had given them a chance to get to know each other. I wasn’t sure if it was the trip that had gotten him to notice her or her recent 28 lb weight loss, which made her look like a model with chiseled cheek bones. This I did not mention. So they had spent every waking moment together and bla bla BLAH. You know how the rest goes. Now they were both madly in love with each other and he had promised to come for her hand in marriage at the end of this year. Where before he was never ready for marriage (because he was a player), now all he talked about was marrying her. I wanted to say something clever to her. Like once a player, always a player. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I thought, whats the harm? They were after all, going to get married at the end of the year  And the most shocking part of this entire story/trip. Layla eight days into her vacation lost her virginity to him! A girl whom had save herself for marriage for 26 years, had given it up in only 8 days!! Eight days, I say! But our little (judge Layla) as everyone called her was in love and utterly lost to it. No one could talk this moment away from her, not even the fact that she had lost her virginity to someone whom she technically knew for 8 days. Because Layla the girl whom would NEVER EVER EVER sleep with anyone before marriage, has most certainly slept with someone before marriage.

Heartbreakville

No one ever warns you of heartbreak. There is no manuel that is titled “what to expect when you’re (heart is) breaking”. There are books on happily ever afters, and books on changing your life, except no one has written on happily fucked (up) forever. No one ever mentions that once you enter heartbreakville, there is no returning back to happyville. No one gives you a heads up about the angry eyed monster that you become, or the vengeful hater. No one tells you that you’re going to become Misses negative, and gain 30 fucking pounds! No one tells you that this is who you become: a hateful bitch with no soul. Oh, you’re getting married now are you? I guess you haven’t heard that 99.9 percent of people divorce. Oh, you lost weight? I was going to be honest and say you look like you gained 10 lbs. He wants to take me out on a date you say? Did he also remember to mention how he is going to break my heart, rip it out, smash it into a million pieces and feed it to the hippos? No, he hasn’t? Well, tell that fucker I am onto him. Yes, I am onto his shit. And so this is for some of us (mostly me) is what heartbreak does to you. Lets hope for the sake of humanity I get out of this shitty mood and move onto better things. Which, in my case just means hitting the gym, so I can go out in something other then my mothers pants.

The Ex

In my last post I wrote about the guy whom dates a girl and never introduces her to his parents, because deep down he knows there is a virgin waiting for him. But what if the tables do turn? I know I dated someone whom I never introduced to my family, not because I had a virgin waiting for me. But because I am technically not allowed to date (ever). Yes a shocker. But of course, I would be dating on the side. After all, at 26 and with only a proposal a year I had to search for myself. If I depended on my mother to find me a suitor, I would definitely without question end up alone. And so in my search, I ended up dating someone whom was perfect in a lot of ways. He was my first boyfriend whom I also thought would be my future husband at the time. However sometimes life doesn’t go as you plan.

So what happens when your mother visits you and you’re both shopping? You run into your ex- boyfriend, of course. My mother and I always had a habit of going shopping when she visited. I shopped all the time and I had never ran into anyone I knew whether it be shopping or running. The city was large enough that you never ran into anyone you knew. So running into anyone today was a zero to none chance. But the fact that I did run into my ex-boyfriend was definitely a joke the universe was playing on me. The first time I saw his face I thought I was hallucinating and kept on shopping. However upon a second glance I realized it was him indeed. I ran back to the change room as fast as I could and, crammed myself into my mothers change room and announced that we had to leave. I had to make up a huge lie and say our dinner reservations was earlier then I though. Four hours earlier that is! I made her change quickly and thought we were safely out of the store, when the stupid sales lady yells that I had forgotten my bag. Which OF COURSE I have.

hey, I thought I had seeing you earlier.”

Oh shit I was officially caught, and my tanned face had turned a shade of red I did not know it could turn. I could also see my mom walk back into the store with her eyes squinted.

um, yes hey. I was actually just leaving… kinda of in a hurry” I said hoping to get out of there before my mom got any closer.

Is that your mom?”

“ Yes… Yes it is…”. At this point my mother was close that I was obligated to introduce her as was HIS mother. .

Oh hi darling! I told Amin I had seeing you and he didn’t believe me!” His mother says as she gave me a too tight of a hug. Did I mention I had met his parents? And of course his mother loved/loves me?

Yeah, um this is my mother who’s here for a few days but we were on our way out as we’re late for a dinner reservation!” I said this way too fast.

After a few exchanged niceties we were finally on our way out. I felt hot and sticky like I was going through menopause. I am assuming thats how you feel when you do go through menopause. My mother on the other hand was feeling nothing short of confused. She kept asking questions like how I knew him, why his mother knew me, why they hadn’t heard from me, and more importantly why would they hear from me? And so I lied, lied, lied, and lied. I knew him from work, met his mother at a Christmas work event, went to his house for a work dinner, hadn’t heard from me because he quit his job. What I couldn’t explain was why his mother had explained that it was a shame we didn’t work out. I told my mother by this she meant as in work out together at the gym. It was a good thing at times even a blessing that my mothers English is not very good. I also thank God that I can lie with a serious face. Now all I am waiting for is to be awarded a grammy for that memorable day!

PS. No I did not lose my virginity to him! In case you were wondering…

Karma

I am sure we all know at least one person whom partied like an animal, drank the weekends away, and nailed anyone he met. His numbers as in the number of people he had S-E-X with were in the double digits. He probably also spent most of his nights at his ‘guy friends’ house. By guy friends, I mean the girlfriend he has had for the past four years. The one where he has yet to introduce to his parents. He tells her that he can’t introduce her because they are strict and she just has to be patient. So, for his love she waits patiently for the day he produces a diamond ring and introduces her to his parents. However, what she does not know is this- while shes cooking his dinners and does his laundry, his mother is looking for a virgin bride for him. So he comes up with excuses about why he hasn’t seen her, or hasn’t had the time. He forgets to mention that he’s busy getting to know his new and improved virgin bride. He breaks up with his western girlfriend. His excuse- the fact that his parents will kill him if he doesn’t marry his own kind. Not even a month later he’s married to her. And all of a sudden all of his Instagram, Whatsapp, Viber, and Facebook is pictures of him with the love of his life. The ex-girlfriend finds out about his marriage through his social media. And where there was no relationship status on his FB before, it is now changed to married. Where he had no Facebook statuses, he is now tagged in at least three or four a day ( and they all have plenty of heart emoticons included.) Now I am not saying that this is how all arranged marriages happen. There is some truth to this situation though and it happens more often then not. So once this douche bag gets married for the girls beauty and her virginity the reality hits him. He can’t take her out or have her spend time with his friends. So he takes off his wedding ring when he goes clubbing, and then starts cheating on her. He doesn’t think he will ever get caught, because his friends will cover for him. He doesn’t realize karma is a bitch that gets everyone including.  Even someone whom decided to marry a person that he has nothing in common with (JUST because she was a virgin). What he doesn’t realize is that the world is a very small place. Tiny actually. You just never know when you run into your wife’s brothers girlfriend. What he also doesn’t know is that while he’s offering to buy her a drink and show her his car, she’s texting HIS brother in law and giving him all the juicy details.